I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

I have this existential map. It has "you are here" written all over it.

What's another word for thesaurus?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place!

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. They have to go door- to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a song on the radio, I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I walked into a restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Served - Any Time." I ordered French toast ... during the Renaissance.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me - I'm afraid of widths.

I was watching a fight on TV when all of a sudden, hockey broke out!

She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

I was such an ugly kid that my mother breast-fed me through a straw.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met.

In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of others.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Before I die, I hope that someone will explain quantum mechanics to me. After I die, I hope that God will explain turbulence to me.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy afternoon.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.

Researchers have already cast much darkness on the subject, and if they continue their investigations, we shall soon know nothing at all about it.

Give me liberty or give me ... ooh, jelly donut!

This manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

God gave me a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.

In the first place, God created idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That's bad enough for me.

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Conscience is the inner voice that tells us that someone is looking.

If you don't know where you are, a map won't help.

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Never eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.

When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.

I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

The surest sign of intelligent life in the universe is that they haven't attempted to contact us.

Do, or do not. There is no "try".

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.

Isn't Disney World a People Trap Operated by a Mouse?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Television is democracy at its ugliest.

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

Math anxiety: an intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 MPH.

Opinions are like assholes: everybody's got one, and they all stink.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I don't even like money; it just quiets my nerves.

I'm proud to pay taxes in the United States; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Nowadays, people can be divided into three classes - the Haves, the Have-Nots, and the Have-Not-Paid-for-What-They-Haves.

Experience is the comb life gives you after you lose your hair.

If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.

And God said: Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the WonderBra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.

Nothing in life is "fun for the whole family".

I say live and let live. Anyone who can't accept that should be executed.

All I have to say about men and bathrooms: They're not real specific. It seems if they hit 'something' they're happy.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

When ya got em' by the balls.....their hearts and minds will follow.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

Do you know why the menopausal (pre-menstrual) woman crossed the road?
To kill the chicken.

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.

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Last updated: Apr 20, 2006