| I refuse to join any club which would have me as a member. | |
| Groucho Marx | |
| I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. | |
| Groucho Marx | |
| I have this existential map. It has "you are here" written all over it. | |
| Steven Wright | |
| What's another word for thesaurus? | |
| Steven Wright | |
| I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place! | |
| Steven Wright | |
| I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. They have to go door- to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else. | |
| Steven Wright | |
| One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." | |
| Steven Wright | |
| I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a song on the radio, I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that." | |
| Steven Wright | |
| Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. | |
| Steven Wright | |
| I walked into a restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Served - Any Time." I ordered French toast ... during the Renaissance. | |
| Steven Wright | |
| It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. | |
| Steven Wright | |
| A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me - I'm afraid of widths. | |
| Steven Wright | |
| I was watching a fight on TV when all of a sudden, hockey broke out! | |
| Rodney Dangerfield | |
| She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in the toaster. | |
| Rodney Dangerfield | |
| My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. | |
| Rodney Dangerfield | |
| I was such an ugly kid that my mother breast-fed me through a straw. | |
| Rodney Dangerfield | |
| My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met. | |
| Rodney Dangerfield | |
| In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take. | |
| Adlai Stevenson | |
| Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. | |
| Billy Crystal, "City Slickers" | |
| My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far. | |
| Bob Thaves (Frank and Ernest) | |
| If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of others. | |
| Bobby Slayton | |
| Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. | |
| Samuel Goldwyn | |
| Before I die, I hope that someone will explain quantum mechanics to me. After I die, I hope that God will explain turbulence to me. | |
| W. Heisenberg (?) | |
| If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. | |
| John Kenneth Galbraith | |
| Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy afternoon. | |
| Susan Ertz | |
| Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. | |
| Mark Twain | |
| There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. | |
| Gloria Steinem | |
| Researchers have already cast much darkness on the subject, and if they continue their investigations, we shall soon know nothing at all about it. | |
| Mark Twain | |
| Give me liberty or give me ... ooh, jelly donut! | |
| Homer Simpson | |
| This manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. | |
| Samuel Johnson | |
| The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year." | |
| Steven Wright | |
| God gave me a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time. | |
| Robin Williams | |
| In the first place, God created idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. | |
| Mark Twain | |
| I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That's bad enough for me. | |
| Mark Twain | |
| There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. | |
| Mark Twain | |
| Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. | |
| Mark Twain | |
| Conscience is the inner voice that tells us that someone is looking. | |
| H.L. Mencken | |
| If you don't know where you are, a map won't help. | |
| Watts Humphrey | |
| There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. | |
| Monta Crane | |
| Never eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift. | |
| Miss Piggy | |
| If you come to a fork in the road, take it. | |
| Yogi Berra | |
| Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. | |
| A. Burgess | |
| Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. | |
| Erma Bombeck | |
| If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance. | |
| Al Bernstein | |
| When you see a snake, never mind where he came from. | |
| W.G. Benham | |
| I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary. | |
| Yogi Berra | |
| It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. | |
| Dan Quayle | |
| When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. | |
| Clarence Darrow | |
| The surest sign of intelligent life in the universe is that they haven't attempted to contact us. | |
| Bill Watterson | |
| Do, or do not. There is no "try". | |
| Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back) | |
| It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. | |
| Dan Quayle | |
| Isn't Disney World a People Trap Operated by a Mouse? | |
| Steven Wright | |
| If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? | |
| Steven Wright | |
| Television is democracy at its ugliest. | |
| Paddy Chayefsky | |
| The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. | |
| H.L. Mencken | |
| Math anxiety: an intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 MPH. | |
| Rick Bayan | |
| Opinions are like assholes: everybody's got one, and they all stink. | |
| Anonymous | |
| I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. | |
| Rita Rudner | |
| When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was "Always". | |
| Rita Rudner | |
| All I have to say about men and bathrooms: They're not real specific. It seems if they hit 'something' they're happy. | |
| Rita Rudner | |
| When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. | |
| Mark Twain | |
| If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. | |
| Dorothy Parker | |
| I don't even like money; it just quiets my nerves. | |
| Bob Hope | |
| I'm proud to pay taxes in the United States; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money. | |
| Arthur Godfrey | |
| We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. | |
| Robert Wilensky | |
| I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. | |
| Gloria Steinem | |
| Nowadays, people can be divided into three classes - the Haves, the Have-Nots, and the Have-Not-Paid-for-What-They-Haves. | |
| Earl Wilson | |
| Experience is the comb life gives you after you lose your hair. | |
| Judith Stearn | |
| If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it. | |
| Original statement of Murphy's Law | |
| Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. | |
| Steven Wright | |
| Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. | |
| Sharon Stone | |
| Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. | |
| Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) | |
| Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. | |
| Robin Williams | |
| Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. | |
| Rod Stewart | |
| On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars. | |
| Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women) | |
| And God said: Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan. | |
| George Burns | |
| There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. | |
| Henry Kissenger (Former US Secretary of State) | |
| My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. | |
| Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) | |
| Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. | |
| Tiger Woods | |
| My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. | |
| Jack Nicholson | |
| Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. | |
| Roseanne | |
| According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. | |
| Robert De Niro | |
| In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the WonderBra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? | |
| Hugh Grant | |
| There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? | |
| Dustin Hoffman | |
| There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked. | |
| Jerry Seinfield | |
| Nothing in life is "fun for the whole family". | |
| Jerry Seinfield | |
| I say live and let live. Anyone who can't accept that should be executed. | |
| George Carlin | |
| No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. | |
| HL Mencken | |
| When ya got em' by the balls.....their hearts and minds will follow. | |
| Anthony Defoe | |
| Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? | |
| Dan Daly | |
| Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous. | |
| Jason Fender | |
| Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high. | |
| Adrienne Gusoff | |
|
Do you know why the menopausal (pre-menstrual) woman crossed the road? To kill the chicken. | |
| Jane Condon | |
| Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. | |
| Judith Viorst | |
| They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now. | |
| Bob Monkhouse, comedian (1928-2003) | |
| It's been so long since I've had sex; I've forgotten who ties up whom. | |
| Joan Rivers | |
| Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. | |
| Steve Martin | |
| You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life. | |
| Elmo Phillips | |
| Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. | |
| Oscar Wilde | |
| It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting-married. | |
| George Burns | |
| Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. | |
| Rodney Dangerfield | |
| There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL. | |
| Lynn Lavner | |
| Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. | |
| Camille Paglia | |
| Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant. | |
| George Burns | |