The Best of Anonymous Quotes
Unattributed quotations, mottos, and rhetorical inquiries of various sorts. These are mostly humorous, but there are a few suprising pearls of wisdom here and there...
(adapted from the now defunct Lexmark "The Other Pages" website - http://www.lexmark.com/data/)
- Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
- All easy problems have already been solved.
- All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to
make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid
- Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
- Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than
no government at all.
- An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on
to the grand fallacy.
- Anyone can count the seeds in an apple.
- No one can count the apples in a seed.
- Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently
- Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
- Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- As a general rule, the freedom of any people can be judged by the
volume of their laughter.
- As of 1992, they're called European Economic Community fries.
- Be kind to unkind people - they need it the most.
- A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we
have enlightened him with ours.
- Bumper sticker: Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
- Business is like a wheelbarrow. Nothing ever happens until you start pushing.
- Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
- Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
- Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
- Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
- Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.
- Condense soup, not books!
- Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
- Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.
- A day without sunshine is like night.
- A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
- Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.
- Do not follow where the path may lead....go instead where there is
no path and leave a trail.
- Don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
- Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
- Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.
- When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
- Eschew obfuscation.
- Every revolutionary idea - in science, politics, art, or whatever - evokes three stages of reaction in a hearer:
- It is completely impossible - don't waste my time.
- It is possible, but it is not worth doing.
- I said it was a good idea all along.
- Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.
- Find expression for a sorrow and it will become dear to you. Find expression for a joy, and you will intensify its ecstasy.
- A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of
nature is to build better mice.
- Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and experience--well, that comes from poor judgment.
- The greatest threat towards future is indifference.
- Half of the people in the world are below average.
- He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
- He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
- The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
- Hindsight is an exact science.
- Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
- How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
- The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
capacity. The rest is overhead for the operating system.
- The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
- If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
- If I ever needed a brain transplant, I'd choose a teenager's because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
- If the car industry had progressed as much as the computer industry over
the last 30 years, a Rolls-Royce would cost $5, get 300 miles per gallon, and
blow up once a year killing all passengers inside.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
- If the hours are long enough and the pay is short enough, someone will say it's women's work.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
- If the human brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
- If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
- If you hear an onion ring, answer it.
- If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.
- I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
- In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
- Include the success of others in your dreams for your own success.
- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In
practice, however, there is.
- Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
- I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.
- It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
- I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
- It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so
- Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean
he knows what it is.
- Keep your head and your heart going in the right direction and you
will not have to worry about your feet.
- "Knock, Knock.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!"
- Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.
- The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign.
- Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- A metaphor is like a simile.
- Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
- Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
- The more sins you confess, the more books you will sell.
- Nearly everyone is in favor of going to heaven but too many are hoping
they'll live long enough to see an easing of the entrance requirements.
- Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He might not have one.
- Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
- The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.
- Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.
- No man knows what true happiness is until he gets married. By then,
of course, its too late.
- The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try
- Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
- One essential to success is that you desire be an all-obsessing one,
your thoughts and
aims be co-ordinated, and your energy be concentrated and applied
- The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one
who is doing it.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in
- Opinions are like assholes: everybody's got one, and they all stink.
- People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.
- People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
- The philosophy exam was a piece of cake - which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
- Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
- Plants do not have the power of locomotion -- except perhaps for kudzu.
- Q: How do you spell "onomatopoeia"?
- A: The way it sounds.
- Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income
- A: A local area networth.
- Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.
- A rolling stone gathers momentum.
- Roses are red
- Violets are blue
- Some poems rhyme
- Some people march to the beat of a different drummer. And some
- Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
- The speed of time is one second per second.
- A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They got 3000 responses. All from the same
- Status quo. Latin for "the mess we're in."
- Success in marriage is not so much finding the right person as it is
being the right person.
- Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by
dressing exactly alike.
- There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
- There are some strings. They're just not attached.
- There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
- There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
- There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were
as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no
longer know how to use my telephone.
- There's no future in time travel.
- Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?
- To be a winner, all you need to give is all you have.
- Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
- Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.
- Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
- Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins, you can't imagine the smell.
- Virtue is its own punishment.
- We, the unwilling,
- led by the unknowing,
- are doing the impossible
- for the ungrateful.
- We have done so much,
- for so long,
- with so little,
- we are now qualified to do anything
- with nothing.
- When the tide of life turns against you
- And the current upsets your boat
- Don't waste tears on what might have been
- Just lie on your back and float.
- What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?
- What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
- When all else fails, read the instructions.
- When all is said and done, more is said than done.
- Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
- While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your
own form of misery.
- While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
correctness never does.
- Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop? If it had four it
would be a chicken sedan.
- Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.
- Writing a book is like washing an elephant: there's no good place to begin or end, and it's hard to
keep track of what you've already covered.
- You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- You can fool some of the people all of the time, and
- You can fool all of the people some of the time, but
- You can't fool mom.
- You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
- You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
- You don't have to stay up nights to succeed; you have to stay awake days.
- You don't have to worry about me. I might have been born yesterday...but I stayed up all night.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
- Some people are like a slinky ... not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
- Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a
substantial tax cut save you $0.30?
- In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- Life is like a Curry. What you do today, might burn your arse