Punishable Offences

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. They say he acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
27. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. Now it's syncing.
28. When chemists die, they barium.
29. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind.
30. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
31. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
32. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
33. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
34. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
35. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
36. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
37. PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
38. We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
39. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
40. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
41. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
42. Broken pencils are really pointless.
43. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
44. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? The saurus.
45. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
46. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
47. I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.
48. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
49. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
50. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
51. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
52. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
53. The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault.
54. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
55. Velcro. What a rip off!