- The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. They say he acquired his size from
too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra
class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The
police are looking into it.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Atheism is a non-prophet
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One
hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then
it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep
off the Grass.'
- The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism
it's your count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris
, you'd be in Seine .
- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one
carrion allowed per passenger.'
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the
other and says 'Dam!'
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit
a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my
electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
- There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with
the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in
- I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. Now it's syncing.
- When chemists die, they barium.
- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst
- I know a guy who's addicted to brake
fluid. He says he can stop any time.
- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then
it dawned on me.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian
club, but I'd never met herbivore.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a
play on words.
- They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
- PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
- We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz.
- I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- Broken pencils are really pointless.
- I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive
vocabulary? The saurus.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a
- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.
- All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
- I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded
- Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
- A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are
- Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
- The earthquake in Washington was obviously the
- Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
- Velcro. What a rip off!