Matrimony is not a word, it is a sentence.
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, the wife says, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replies, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend.
"A billionaire".
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Marriage is like a besieged fortress:
those on the outside are dying to get in, and those on the inside are dying to
get out!
This is my rule of married life: it's better to be happy than to be right.
Click & Clack, the Tappet Brothers
All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right.
If a man is talking alone in the woods, and his wife doesn't hear him ... is he still wrong?
My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
(A serious one)
The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that
children produce adults.
Peter De Vries, editor, novelist (1910-1993) [The
Tunnel of Love, 1954]
The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the
union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
They say marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Marriage is the best magician there is. In front of your eyes it can change
an exciting, cute little dish into a boring dishwasher.
Ryan O'Neal
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West
Love is blind - marriage is the eye-opener.
Pauline Thomason
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
William Congreve, dramatist (1670-1729)
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Voltaire, philosopher (1694-1778)
When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was
Always.
Rita Rudner, comedienne (1955- )
Never hate a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
HL Mencken
A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
Robert Quillen,
journalist and cartoonist (1887-1948)