Grad School and College humor

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students (taken from the Harvard Crimson):

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants:

5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

You Just Might Be A Graduate Student If...

...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your office is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in the "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...you often wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as a "personal communication"

COLLEGE OF FINE ARTS
ALBANY, NEW YORK

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been nearly three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing, and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now; but, before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any farther unless you are sitting down. Okay.

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital; and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy, and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind; and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not get a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no one in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Edna

Three men - a grad student, a post-doc, and a professor, are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

Why god never received tenure at any university...

1. He had only one major publication
2. It was in Hebrew
3. It had no references
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book
13. Some say he had his son teach the class
14. He expelled his first two students for learning
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF ACADEMIA
(To be sung to the tune of Hotel California by the Eagles)

In a dark deserted room,
Brylcreem in my hair.
Warm smell of unwashed socks,
Rising up through the air.
Up ahead on my PC...
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim,
I had to work through the night.

As he stood in the doorway,
I heard the Rush Rhees bells.
And I was thinking to myself,
"two years of research - and this could be hell"
Then he picked up my paper,
And he gave me an 'F'.
There were voices down the corridor,
Thought I heard them say,

"Welcome to the world of academia
Such a lovely place (such a lovely phase).
Plenty of room at the world of academia,
Any time of the year, any time of the year
You can get screwed out here."

My mind was stiff and a-twisted,
The coursework never seemed to end.
Got a lot of glassy genius boys,
That we call friends.
How they crammed in the libr'ry,
Sweet summer sweat.
Some crammed to remember,
Some crammed to forget.

So I called up my advisor,
"Please make me a T.A."
He said "We've never had such spirit here
Boy, you really make my day"
And now those students keep calling from ... far away,
Waking up in the middle of the night,
Just to hear them say

"Welcome to the world of academia,
Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a lovely phase
Livin' it up in the world of academia
We don't mean to cheat, we don't mean to cheat,
Where's your answers sheet?"

Four years was my ceiling,
Then came some advice.
He said "We are all just prisoners here
Failed my defense thrice"
In the dissertation chambers,
The doctoral committee,
They quiz him with their steely glares
But he just can't get his Ph.D.

Last thing I remember,
I was running for the door.
I had to find a passage back
To the place I was before.
"Relax", said the chairman,
"Till some results we receive.
You can check out any course you like
But you can never leave."

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