The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students (taken from the Harvard Crimson):
Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants:
You Just Might Be A Graduate Student If...
COLLEGE OF FINE ARTS
ALBANY, NEW YORK
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has been nearly three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing, and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now; but, before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any farther unless you are sitting down. Okay.
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital; and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy, and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind; and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not get a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no one in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Three men - a grad student, a post-doc, and a professor, are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
Why god never received tenure at any university...
1. He had only one major publication
2. It was in Hebrew
3. It had no references
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book
13. Some say he had his son teach the class
14. He expelled his first two students for learning
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top
WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF ACADEMIA
(To be sung to the tune of Hotel California by the Eagles)
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