Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins

  1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
  2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
  14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  16. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  17. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
    The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
  18. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  19. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  20. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  21. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  22. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  24. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  25. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  26. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  27. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  30. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. So he asked the monsignor how he had done it. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

  1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as: Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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