Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins
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Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
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Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
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The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
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This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
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Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.
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Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
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Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in
his study.
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This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.
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The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
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Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
will come forward and do so.
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The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
So he asked the monsignor how he had done it. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's
advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his
office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
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Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
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There are 10 commandments, not 12.
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There are 12 disciples, not 10.
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Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
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Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
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We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
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The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as:
Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
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David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
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When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say "He was stoned off his ass."
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We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
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When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he
said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not
say, "Eat me."
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The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
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The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
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Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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